Heartthrob
by thegaykid
Summary: Tegan experiences some weird feelings, and Sara is oblivious. Every chapter is a song from the album. Quincest. Tegan and Sara Quin.
1. Shock To Your System

_The interview that I write about: watch?v=nM9G16A8IzM.  
This is my first fanfiction ever, so.. Please leave notes and comments on this!_

**1. Tegan: Shock To Your System**

It was just another night, just another event we had to attend to. I was bored out of my mind, totally on autopilot, sitting alone in a corner where nobody could see me. Sara had wandered off somewhere, and I was kind of pissed about it. She knew that it wasn't really my night, but she strolled off with someone else anyway. On her bad nights I was always there for her, always making sure she was fine, always staying by her side. I sat there for a while, pouting like a little child, but I got so irritated that I marched over to the bar and order two shots of jager (the only good thing about these things: open bars), so that I had something to do while she was off socializing. Bottoms up, I thought sourly. But just as I was about to bring the little glass to my lips I felt someone's hand, more slapping than touching, my arm. I almost spilled the dark liquid all over the jacket I had borrowed from Sara.

"Jesus fucking Chri-" I gasped.  
"Yeah, I'm glad to see you too, but no need to use my full name." Sara jumped up on the barstool next to me, grinned, and ordered four tequila shots. I was still on the edge of having a heartattack, kind of disappointed that I didn't spill the jager on that precious leather of hers.  
"Don't you think you've had enough already?" I asked as I glanced, with my hand pressed against my chest, at her reddened cheeks and her droopy eyelids. She took the first shot, grimaced and made an over explicit gesture towards two of the remaining, and almost knocked them off the bar. And here it comes, I thought. The never ending drunken hand-waving.  
"These aren't for me, they're for you. If you're going to sit alone in the darkness all night, you might as well do it while being a bit drunken. It might be a bit more fun." I sighed and rolled my eyes before shotting. I almost vomited.  
"Thanks for the consideration." I gulped and gave her a meaning look. "Where have you been for the last hour, anyway?"  
"I've been hanging out with people. You know, social stuff." She was so cocky that I was about to say something scathing, but I then changed my mind. She doesn't have these good days that often anymore. It could go days where she didn't speak to anyone but me and the band. I didn't want to spoil this for her.  
"Anyway, I was just talking to Chelsea from Hollywire TV and she wanted to do a quick interview, so let's go. Or wait." She gestured some more in the bartender's direction, and we each took two more tequila shots.

The interview was like everything else that evening, boring and as usual. Apart from that Sara and I were drunk. Very drunk (as you might have noticed: we're not exactly giants). Chelsea was nice, and Sara was kind of in control of the talking. She gestured a whole lot, and I just stood there, smiling, and trying to keep track of the conversation.  
"I think that we probably trust each other more than we trust anybody else in this world."  
I hadn't really been listening before that, I just looked at whoever were talking and nodded. I don't think anyone noticed, but when she said that my head went crazy. A million thoughts went through my head at once, and I just couldn't make out anything of it all. It felt like if it had been electro-shocked. And then she laughed, said something sarcastic and kind of half-hugged me, also sarcastically. My head went even more crazy, and my skin and all of my being followed. And then it all stopped, we were no longer touching and we had left the subject and they were talking and I was just.. stunned. My head and body were doing the jitterbug, and I had no idea what was happening. The butterflies were everywhere, knocked my heart right out of sync. The interview was over, Sara and Chelsea was making small talk, and I just couldn't move an inch. I was frozen to the ground, and I didn't know why. Sara was already far away from me, happily skipping. When she noticed that I hadn't moved at all she turned around and half-yelled "Tee, let's go!". I shook my head a little, and made my feet move. Left, right, left, right.

We went back to the bar, I was just trailing behind Sara, I couldn't really think for myself. She babbled on about stuff I didn't hear, and ordered a glass of red wine from the bartender with a happy "Hey, Chris!". On first-name basis with the bartender. Classy, Sara.  
"Uhm, well, I'm gonna go." I interrupted her in the middle of a sentence which I think was about how amazing Rihanna's new hair colour was.  
"What? It's 11.30!" I just gave her a half-smile and a little shrug and then I walked away. Out in the cool November night, away from the flashes and the loud voices. I couldn't even hear them. I couldn't hear or see anything. Anything but her face. I don't know how I got home, but somehow I found myself lying on my king sized bed a half hour later. I still had my jacket on, her jacket, while staring up in the ceiling.  
What were those feelings? I had only felt like that once before, and even then it wasn't that.. intense. Those feelings I had towards Lindsey were different than what I felt now, right? That must be the case. It can't be the same. It's a ridiculous thought. We were drunk, and we were having an emotional evening. And we're twin sisters, for fuck sake. There must be some weird sentimental feelings there, some supernatural shit. Yeah. That must be it. Sisterlove. That's all. Sisterlove and alcohol.  
Several hours later, I had just fallen asleep when the bell rang.


	2. Now I'm All Messed Up

**2. Tegan: Now I'm All Messed Up**

And it didn't ring just once. Someone was pushing the bell in a slow rhythm who could drive anyone crazy. I growled loudly and dragged myself out of bed. I was going to kill the person who was doing this, no matter who it was. I was still wearing all of the clothes I'd been wearing the whole night, and my curly hair was a total mess. I slowly opened the door, feeling like my already hungover, throbbing head would explode. Every angry feeling I had ever had just vanished into thin air when I saw her. Her hair was almost as messy as mine, and her clothes were a bit thrown on and wrinkly. And her eyes were red and very swollen.  
"Sar? What happened?" She just walked right past me, heading to the living room. I pulled a hand through my hair, trying to somewhat flatten it a bit and sighed. I took of the black leather jacket and hung it on a coat hanger and hurried after Sara. She was sitting in my black couch, with her legs tucked in under her and her eyes staring blankly ahead of her. I went over and sat a few inches from her. I didn't want to touch her, I knew she didn't like that. I never took the initiative with her. One single tear, black of her mascara, fell down on my couch, blending in.  
"I can't give her what she wants. I'm just not enough." She said, very quietly, after a few minutes. Her breath reaked of alcohol.  
"Emy has told you a million times that you are. You have to believe her. You are going to make yourself go crazy if you keep thinking like this, okay?" I suddenly felt so angry. I just wanted to slap her, and kick her out of my apartment, and kiss her, and hold her, and scream. And I also wanted to slap myself. I wanted to punch the shit out of myself. I thought the alcohol had worn off? This is fucking ridiculous. Get a grip, Tegan.  
"Yes, I know, but I can't. I just can't. I don't want to do this with her. It wasn't going to be like this, it was just a one-night-stand, and then it was going to be over. She is in love with me. And I'm not at all in love with her." I want to kick the shit out of those little midgets dancing around everywhere inside of me when she said that. Especially the ones in my stomach. And these moodswings.  
"Okay. Well, then. Don't do this to her. End it." I was acting vaguely uninterested, and looking down at my left hand. But in fact, it hurt everywhere. And there was a fucking war going on inside of me.  
"I can't. That's the thing; I can't do it. I need her. I can't stop this." Sara stood up, pulled the brown leather jacket closer around her body and started walking in cirkles. She did that for a very long time, slightly unsteady since she clearly still was drunk. And I kept my mouth shut, I simply didn't know what to say.  
"I'm going to go over there again. I am." She stood still for a while, and nodding slightly to herself, convincing herself. And now it was my turn to stand up.  
"Again? You've been there tonight already?" I said with more force than I meant to.  
"Yeah, I just came from there." She said with her mind clearly somewhere else. And then the pieces came together. She had just been there. That messy hair was worth a thousand words. I made a disgusting sound and rolled my eyes, turning away from her. I couldn't do this anymore, just leave. Go leave your makeup somewhere else. Go make her life worthwhile. What do I care.  
"Stop it, Tee." Her voice was so sad and hurt. She was hurt by my, what she thought was judgmental, tone of voice.  
"I can't, either." I whispered, so quietly she couldn't hear it. I rubbed my eyes and cleared my throat.  
"Go do that, Sara. Go be a martyr and go hurt her some more. Sounds great. Go have some sex, at someone else's expense, just for your own need to be acknowledged. Just go."  
We stood there, like that, with my back turned on her, for a few more minutes. And then I heard a dejected sigh, her footsteps and the door slamming behind her. The rage came back, and I gave my couch pillow a good few screams and punches. And then the tears came, it was a flood wave of emotions. Rage, incredible sadness, jealousy, obstinate independence, anger, disappointment. Was it the alcohol? Why was I jealous? Did I think I was going to lose her? What are these feelings?  
A few hours and a bottle of wine later, I sent Sara a text: "I need to take some time to myself. I'll see you in December for the US tour. T."


	3. I'm Not Your Hero

**3. Sara: I'm Not Your Hero**

It was a fucking slap in the face. I wasn't really allowed to feel sorry for myself at this point, since what Tegan said was true, but it still hurt. And I was so shocked, because it was so not like Tegan to say those things. I mean, she was always honest but she was such a nice person that she barely ever said something mean to anyone. Especially not me. So it hurt more than it would if it was someone else saying it.  
I stared at the back of her head, wanting to say something but I simply couldn't. Absolutely nothing came out of my mouth. My disappointment for myself conquered my anger for her, I was just empty. All of a sudden, I just wanted to be alone. I just wanted to sit in a quiet place, all by myself, and not think. Two was a crowd. But even though I've never wanted to be alone more than in that moment, I couldn't move. I was paralyzed by her word for another two minutes, which felt like two years, and then I sighed and went. I couldn't handle her right now, I really couldn't. Tegan has been very clear about her disapproval of with whom, when or where I have sex. That's why I'd stopped talking to her about it, but I just couldn't be alone after tonight. I had gone over to Emy's, and things had been so nice. Too nice. She had made me a late dinner with candles and the whole thing, and then we'd have sex and I just couldn't stay. I had to go, otherwise I'd suffocate. I'd had made a lame excuse that Tegan was the one with emotional problems, and I had stormed out.

And now I'm walking, alone without the both of them, but it still didn't feel right. It was a feeling I often experienced. First, I wanted so desperately to be alone and get away from everyone, but when I finally was it felt like shit. I never really felt like I fit in somewhere, which was a fucking cliché. But it was more than some high school-crap, I genuinely didn't feel comfortable in my own skin. It itched and people didn't make it better. Apart from Tegan, really, but that's a thing that I'd never admit to her. She knows I love her, because that's what sisters do 99% of the time, but I'd never say stuff like that out loud. At least not to her face. And never sober.  
But I couldn't go back to Tegan's, I was first of all too stubborn for that, because I didn't want to lose this fight (I'm not even sure it was a fight, but I was going to win it), and second because I was frustrated with Tegan. I didn't want to have this discussion about this subject, we've had it too many times. I just wished she could mind her own goddamn business sometimes. I didn't really want to go over to Emy's either, it just felt so wrong, but I couldn't think of anything else to do. I knew that she wasn't going to ask any questions if I asked her not to, which was one of the great things with her, amongst many other. Going home just wasn't an option.

After an hour long walk I just couldn't stand standing upright anymore.  
"Hey babe, are you back?" She called when she heard me walking into her apartment fifteen minutes. She came, in a white t-shirt and stripey pajamas pants, and kissed me, holding my face ever so lightly. I felt my stomach turning into an even bigger knot.  
"Yeah, I didn't want to go home and sleep tonight. Tegan fell asleep, she seemed a little better when I left." I hung my jacket on a coat hanger and fell onto her bed, covering my face with my arms. I felt her weight on the bed, and then her arms around my waist, her head on my chest. I had to strain myself not to flinch when she touched me. She knew when to listen, but she was really bad at feeling vibes in a room.  
"Oh, that's good." She snuggled closer, sighing happily. "I'm glad you came back. I didn't want to sleep without you."  
"Yeah, me too." I said before sitting up, taking off my shirt and pants. I could feel her eyes on my back, examining me in a way I just wasn't up to at the moment. I quickly changed into another t-shirt from her dresser and got under the covers. Since she already was dressed, she already was there under the covers, waiting for me. When I had snuggled into the pillow, preparing myself for sleep, I felt a slightly cold had just beneath my right breast. She traced my skin, and made little circles. Something I otherwise might have appreciated a great deal.  
"Please, Emy. I just want to sleep." I was tired, and still a bit drunk, so I didn't even open my eyes. But I could still see her sad face in my mind. She was so sensitive sometimes, the tiniest little thing could make her confidence crumble and break. She stopped, and turned around to spoon me instead. Much better.  
"Goodnight, Sara. I love you." It was like she'd said it a million times, with that sleepy, quiet voice, but in fact: it was the very first time. And it was much too early into the relationship for me. I flinched when I heard the words, I just couldn't help it.  
"Oh, shit. I'm sorry. I didn't even think about it, I'm so sorry. Sara? It was jus-" I had sat up, once again. I was on one hand really irritated that people just couldn't hold in their fucking emotions today, why the fuck couldn't people just have fun and not have these uncomfortable moments all the time? And on the other hand: terrified. I really didn't want to have this conversation right now, the on that I had been putting up for so long time, but she left me no choice. I couldn't go on with this, six months had been enough.  
"Emy." I closed my eyes, and tried to collect myself, and make my voice gentle and not irritated. Now it was her time to flinch, she knew exactly what was coming her way.  
"No, no, no. Don't you do that to me. I didn't want to say it, it was a mistake. In fact, I didn't mean it, okay? I didn't mean it! Maybe I meant it a little, but not that much. It can wait, we can just forget about the whole thing. Just go to sleep and wake up to a new day tomorrow, and forget it eve-"  
"Emy, stop." I interrupted her desperate babbling. "I can't forget it, and I can't.. I can't do this anymore." I opened my eyes, and turned back to her. She stared at me, confused and heartbroken. I couldn't stand it, she looked like a little lost puppy when she was sad.  
"I can't go on doing this. I just think I need to take some time to myself, because this is going too fast." She started sobbing, quietly, but I just couldn't bring myself to hold her. It would ruin the whole thing. I had to stay strong, and do this quickly, like with a band-aid.  
"I just don't feel like I'm feeling the same things as you. I've loved to spend time with you, you are truly a wonderful human being, Emy. You really are. But I just don't feel as I'm on the same page as you anymore. And I'm sorry, it just doesn't feel like to continue if I feel like that, you know?"  
"Yeah. I get it. No need to explain." She said, with quiet tears rolling down her face. "It's just that.. I was used to seeing no future in my sight line. But you kind of changed that. And I know that is so cheesy and totally what you're trying to avoid here, but I just wanted you to know that. But I understand. I wouldn't say that it's fine and shit, but I understand, and you don't have to feel bad. You can't control the way you feel, even though I wished otherwise." My head was spinning, I just couldn't comprehend how she felt for me. I just wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible.  
"I'm so sorry, Emy. I really wish I could've, too. Come here." I let her cuddle up in my embrace, and we sat there for a while, her sobbing and me slowly stroking her hair. "You have learn how to be your own hero, okay? Remember that."  
After half an hour or so it felt safe for me to get dressed and leave. It was almost morning now, and I was so tired I could sleep standing up. Emy had calmed down, and she'd even made a joke, so I didn't feel too bad about leaving.  
"I'll call you. Bye, Ems."  
"Bye, Sar." She gave me a weak, half-smile.  
We hugged a little more, and then I closed the door and made my way out in the early morning. I had walked a few blocks when I picked up my phone, I hadn't checked it in hours. I had a text message, from Tegan. I actually said "what the fuck?" out loud when I read it. What the fuck does some time for myself mean? And why did she need it? As I had seen it, she had been a bitch about something she shouldn't even care about, but apparently it had been a bit more than that, at least for her. But what was it about? I was just too confused to even think about it, I rushed to the conclusion that she was just after attention or something. Poor little misunderstood Tegan.  
I walked in a rapid pace home to my apartment, theories about Tegan's text and my hangover making my head throb.


	4. I Couldn't Be Your Friend

**4. Tegan: I Couldn't Be Your Friend  
****  
**Almost two months had now passed since I last saw or spoke to her. She had respected what I wrote in the text, and hadn't even tried to talk to me, which was very tough at first. Eventhough we are very independent people in one way, we're extremely co-dependent in others. We don't speak that much, but we always know that we can call each other at any time and that was just a nice feeling, which I missed during these months. It had been very hard not to text her and just pour my heart out, which would probably fuck everything up, since I was a mess the last time I saw her. My loneliness and my half-drunken mind had made up some weird scenario that I had a crush on my own sister. During these past months, I had thought really long and hard about this, and I had finally come to the conclusion that it wasn't at all like that. I mean, come on. She's my twin, we have been together for literally all of our lives and she's the person I love and trust more than anyone in this entire world. Of course that's a lot of emotions to handle, and of course, even though it's really weird, that can be confusing sometimes. And the jealousy I felt towards Emy was only the fear of losing her, to lose the bond that we have.  
But after a week of total isolation from the world, I had pulled myself together and realized that I was being so ridiculous. I then tried to imagine her face, and tried to really feel about her. And I didn't feel any different than what I'd felt before that night, and I was so fucking relieved. If that moment hadn't come then, I probably would've gotten myself admitted or something.  
The real test was just around the corner, though. It was time for our US tour, and I'd see her in just a few hours for the first time in a long time. I had convinced myself all morning that everything would go well, and that I'd feel just fine as I'd had for the last two months. Everything was going to go according to plan, everything was fine.

I was outside the tour bus, smoking (I only smoke when I'm nervous, okay? No judgements!), when I saw her. I quickly threw the cigarette on the ground, and stomped on it. It was useless, because she had already seen me. I had made up this whole thing about why I had sent that message, but everything just flew out of my head as soon as I saw her. Because she wasn't alone.  
"Hi, Tee!"  
"Hi.. Emy. What are you doing here? Is something wrong?" I hugged our art director, and I was trying to keep my facial muscles in a more relevant, politely shocked expression than what they were trying to do, looking disappointed.  
"Oh, no, no. Everything's fine, Sara just invited me to go along with you guys. Just for two weeks, or so! I'm really glad to see you, Tegan. Long time, no see. How are you?" She and I catched up while quickly going onto the bus, away from the cold December day. I hadn't even made eye contact with Sara, I was kind of avoiding that. I wasn't really ready to see her, not after that little announcement.  
Emy and I made some coffee, and Sara immediately went to get her book, clearly glad over the fact that she didn't seem to be needed in the conversation.  
"So, are you excited to tour in the US again?" Emy asked me, sitting down next to Sara, whom now were reading, on one of our couches. I had no choice but to sit on the other one, in front of them. My face was still on some kind of strike. I sipped on my coffee, to keep from having to reveal my real emotions, and warmed my hands on the hot cup.  
"Yeah, I think it's going to b-" I started, but choked. Sara had casually laid her hand on Emy's thigh. Emy smiled and put her own hand on top of Sara's and squeezed it lightly. That was the first time I actually saw her face that day. Everything that I had thought I'd gotten over, all of that weird shit from that night, hit me right in the face. It was all back, worse than ever. When my eyes watched her reading face, this huge, corny smile spread across my face. It wasn't over. I hadn't talked myself out of it.  
Sara smiled, too, but it didn't reach her eyes, I noticed. I wondered if that was because of that she was too into the book or if it was because she still wasn't into _her_. I was, stupidly, hoping for the latter. I swallowed, tried to smile and forced myself to end the sentence.  
"I'm sorry. You're just too _fucking_ cute together." I said slightly through my teeth. Emy didn't notice, she just smiled even wider, and Sara wasn't even listening. "Yes, I am very excited about this tour, I think it's going to be amazing, like always. It's a party in the USA, I've heard."  
As Emy laughed at my Miley Cyrus-reference, I got saved by the bell. The band got into the bus, and Emy and I got up to hug and chat. In the middle of the chaos, I watched Sara close her book, waving at Ted and disappearing into the bunk-area. I followed after her.

She had her back turned towards me, stuffing her book into her bag.  
"Hi." She flinched, and swirled around. Her eyes went from scared to cooly reserved in an instant.  
"Holy shit, Tegan. You scared the hell out of me."  
"I'm sorry, I thought you heard me walk in. How are you?" I sat down on my bunk, right across from hers. I started fiddling with the sleeves of my huge, knitted sweater. A sure sign of nervousity, I thought, and immidiately stopped. I wanted to seem as normal as possible, I didn't want her to wonder more than she'd probably already done these past 8 weeks. If she even remotely found out what I was feeling nowadays, I was screwed.  
"I'm fine, thank you for asking." She obviously noticed how harsh her voice sounded, because her voice was so much softer when she asked: "And you?"  
"Yeah, I'm.. good. I'm much better. I really should explain what that text was about, right?" I tried on a low chuckle, but it just sounded so fake. I cleared my throat.  
"It's just that, uhm, I've been a little out of order lately, you know? I really needed some space to just take care of myself, no matter how carpe diem that sounds. But I really needed to just not talk to people for a while." I was trying really hard to sound as relaxed and casual as possible.  
"Oh. That was it? You couldn't have told me that? C'mon, Tee, that's _my_ feeling. I know that one by heart. You could've just said that that's what it was, and you would've spared me two months of worrying." My heart sped up when she said that last part, that she had been worrying. But of course she had been worrying about me, since we are fucking sisters. S-i-s-t-e-r-s.  
"Yeah, I guess I could've. I'm sorry. But yeah, I'm fine now, c'est la vie. Oh, sorry, I forgot you don't speak French." I grinned and she rolled her eyes at me, turning away again to keep on digging in her bag.  
"That's the asshole I know." She muttured just as Ted walked in. I changed my facial expression to something happy (but probably just serial killer-ish), since my face had dropped when she turned away. I think he noticed.  
"Uhm, hi, you guys? We're gonna hit the road now, so we'll get over to our bus! See you in Virginia!"  
"Bye, Ted!" We called back in chorus when he turned our back at us and walked away.  
"Come together, twins forever." I mumble-sung while laying down on my bunk. I heard her quiet laugh, and I just melted. There's just nothing more I like than making her laugh.

I was half asleep, Sara was sitting in her bunk reading, when the engines starting. It felt like two hours had passed since we last spoke, but that's always how it felt when I took a nap during the day. It was probably 15 minutes ago or so. I heard Emy's low call for Sara followed by Sara's irritated sigh when she got out of her trunk, having to put her book down for the second time this hour to deal with people. I pretended I was asleep, I didn't want to talk to her right now. I was busy realizing I was stuck on that bus with the lovebirds for like 6 hours. She left the room, and I closed the door to my bunk and got under the covers. I really wanted to sleep, but of course I couldn't. I just laid there, thinking.  
I was in love with my sister. I knew it now, I knew it the second I saw her face earlier. I don't know how long this has been going on, if I've just kept it locked up somewhere deep inside, but it didn't matter. I was in love with my fucking sister. Tears started rolling down my cheeks, wetting my pillow. And I kept thinking about Emy and Sara, how they were just in the room next to me. How we were all going to share the same bedroom for a too long time ahead.  
I cried myself to sleep a few hours later, but not before I thought to myself: did she feel the same about me? Did her heart ache when she got around me? Did her heart break when she thought about me?


	5. I Was A Fool

**5. Sara: I Was A Fool  
**  
A few weeks after that night, I was walking home from a bar, drunk and alone. My friends and I had been out, drinkning beer and stuff. My friend, Liisa, and I had been sitting in a corner together, discussing all kinds of things when she asked me how Tegan was. And that kind of triggered it. I couldn't stop thinking and worrying about her for the rest of the night. I hadn't talked to her in too long, and I really wanted to. So, of course, I had an inner monologue, fighting with myself whether I should or shouldn't call her. I decided not to, because I didn't want to seem too co-dependent and needy, plus that I wanted to respect her wish to be left alone. So, instead of calling her, I called Emy instead. (A real genius move of me, huh?)  
"Hello?" Her voice was sleepy and I realized I didn't know what time it was. The streets of Montreal were now in a blue haze and completely empty, so I guessed it was almost time for sunrise.  
"Hi. It's me. Did I wake you?"  
"Sara? No, or yeah, kind of. Why are you calling at 5:34 AM? Did something happen? Are you drunk? You're slurring." My lisp got ten times worse when I was drunk, which made it very hard to act sober. Her voice, on the other hand, got much sharper and demanding, obviously torn between being worried and angry.  
"No, nothing happened. Just a little bit, I've had a few beers. I think. Can I come over?"

She's a very forgiving person, Emy. She loves too much, too carelessly. I went over, and after that night I made a promise that I wouldn't leave her (at least not right away). She made me feel good, and she seemed very happy when she was around me, so I didn't want to fight it anymore. Honestly, I didn't want to be alone anymore. So, I pretended. I figured that I could do this for a little while longer, until I potentially found someone new. Like I said, Tegan was right. I needed so desperately to feel acknowledged. So I brought her onto the tour with me.

The day of the start of the tour I was really nervous, since I didn't know what to expect from Tegan. I was prepared for the worst, but when we finally met and talked, eveything seemed okay. I wouldn't say fine, because she was still acting a bit odd, but close enough. I didn't want to revel in it too much. If she wanted to talk, she knew where to find me.  
That first night on the bus, Tegan was in her bunk. All night long. For the first few hours, it was totally fine, I just figured she was tired. But she was asleep, or whatever she was doing in there, for more than six hours, and it wasn't even night time. We didn't hear the slightest sound from her.  
When we got to Virginia, and were supposed to go into the venue for our first show, she came late. The band and I had already been sitting in our dressing loge, a big room with couches and some mirrors really, for like an hour. When she finally showed up her hair was a fucking mess and she had huge bags under her eyes, like she hadn't been gotten any sleep in days. I gave Emy a meaningful look and took Tegan aside, into the bathroom.  
I closed the door behind me and then turned around to examine her while she dumped her big bag on the toilet. She straightened up, tucked her hair behind her ears and looked at me. When she met my gaze I could really see her face upfront. She truly looked like shit. I leaned against the door, crossing my arms.  
"How are you? What have you been up to all day?" I tried to not sounding too demanding.  
"I'm fine, I was just a bit tired. I'm sorry about that, I tried to get fit for fight for tonight's show, that's all." That smile looked so half-heartedly. I just wanted to hug her, which wasn't a feeling I experienced a lot with her, I'm not really a huge fan of physical intimacy. I compromised with myself, reached out an arm and gave her some strokes on the back.  
"Okay. Just.. talk to me whenever you feel like it. Remember that?" This time the smile reached her eyes, and she seemed a bit relieved. Maybe I shouldn't restrain myself about hugging and stuff. She might need it, and that's more important to me than my comfort zone. She nodded, and I pulled her into a hug. She sighed a little and hugged me back.  
"After the show, I would really like to talk to you for a bit. Just you and me, if that's alright?" She mumbled, and I mhmmd into that curly mess of hair. We pulled apart and she kept smiling. I didn't know what to do, I never know what to do in these emotional situations. Tegan's damp eyes didn't make it better, but I didn't ask any more questions about it all. I had time for them all later on.  
"Okay, good! You should really take a shower and a facial mask or something, you kind of look like crap. Good luck with that." I laughed, wanting to break the ice for a bit. She spinned around and looked at herself in the mirror. She chuckled agreeingly. I gave her one last smile and left the bathroom, hearing her locking the door and turning on the shower.

The show went great, the people in Richmond was a great crowd. Our fans always are. I fucked up the lyrics as usual, the banter was as random and serious as usual, even though Tegan wasn't as chatty as usual. I had been doing most of the talking lately, which was very unusual, Tegan was always the one who took the lead. The encore (Dark Come Soon, Call it Off, Feel It In My Bones) went great, and the crowd went ecstatic.  
The band was all up in flames, like they always were. Tegan used to chime in with the foolishness, but not with the same fire as other nights. I was really looking forward to talking to her and hoping to get to the root of it all, we simply couldn't have her like this. It was too weird, she was kind of acting like, well, me. Ted gave me a "what's up with her"-look when she wasn't looking and I shrugged. I crashed onto the couch, completely exhausted. Emy sat next to me, I put up my legs on her and she started stroking them lightly with her fingertips.  
I had obviously fallen asleep for a while when I awoke to Emy's soft voice near my face.  
"Babe? It's time to go onto the bus. Wake up, sleepy." I sat up and looked around me. The room was empty, apart from me, Emy and Tegan, who was sitting in an armchair with damp hair. She sure loved those backstage showers.  
"Uhm" I said and rubbed my eyes. "Tegan and I are just going to stay here for a little while, okay? Tell the others to wait fourty minutes or so." She got the point, gave me a quick peck, and Tegan a little wave, and left. I stretched my neck and looked over at my sister, whom was curled up in that chair like an owl in her big, stripey sweater.  
"How was the shower? As good as always?"  
"Yeah, I have to see what kind of showers these places have, I've got to get one." She grinned and I stretched out my back and arms.  
"These couches aren't as nice, though. I have to give complaints about that." We both smiled and sat there quiet for a while. Not an awkward silence, just.. quiet. She broke it with her nervous babbling.  
"Sara. I have to say something, okay? And I don't think you're going to like it, because it's really fucking weird. And I know that, just so you know. That I know. Because I do. Know."  
"Sounds like a song of yours." She gave me a frustrated look. "Okay, sorry, I'm serious. Go on."  
"God. Okay. Yeah, so, I need to tell you something. And believe me, I really wish I didn't have to. But I can't really hold it inside anymore, and I need to.. vent. I guess. I have no idea why I'm doing this really. But, uhm.. The reason I've been acting so weird and distant lately, the text and everything, it's.. well, because of you." I furrowed my eyebrows. What the hell was she talking about? I instantely got angry, I was so sick of this crap.  
"I couldn't be around you for a while there. It just got too much for me, I'm sorry about that. I just couldn't really handl-" she started, but I couldn't hold it inside of me.  
"Okay, so you needed time for yourself because of me? Before that night I hadn't seen you in a while, Tegan. I know I'm a handful, and that I'm so suffocating and shit, but really? You couldn't handle being around me for more than one night? I was fucking worried when you sent me that text. I was so worried about you for those almost two months! You disappear for weeks to pout and then you blame me and block me out? This is ridiculous, I don't want to listen to this anymore." I stood up, on my way out of there. I guess I overreacted, but I got so infuriated with her sometimes. She was the nice one of us, but she couldn't go around playing the victim all the time.  
I took a couple of long steps towards the door, but then I felt a hand around my wrist that made me stay put right in a step. I jerked my head back at her, about to say something, but then I saw her face. She was crying, big tears rolling down her cheeks.  
"Sara, please." She begged. My anger didn't run off of me, but I did calm down. She looked so small, just so sad. I took a breath, and turned the rest of my body towards her.  
"But seriously, Tee. I can't handle this anymore. What is going on? What did I do?" She didn't answer, she just looked at me, crying. She seemed to debating something, she seemed to not find the right words.  
And then. Her lips were on mine, hard and desperate. One of her hands were in my hair, and the other one was tightly wrapped around my waist. She was just so scared, I could feel it. She knew this was a terribly strange thing to do, and I could just feel her waiting for me to pull away. And I did. I pushed both of my hands into her chest, our lips abruptly parting, and she almost fell backwards. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand.  
"What the fuck, Tegan?! What the hell are you doing?!" She gained her balance. She looked at me with shock, fear and.. satisfaction? She didn't even look like she was breathing.  
"That was- fuck, oh my god, what the fuck is wrong with you?" I was now screaming at her, I couldn't control it. She gasped and slowly turned away from me. She kneeled and buried her face in her hands. Her sobbing was loud and uncontrollable.  
I was so completely shocked and apalled. I swirled around, turning my back at her as she had done, and runned my fingers through my hair. I tried to flatten my now wild hair, and then I stormed out, leaving my sobbing sister on the floor behind.

"How did it go?" Emy was sitting on the couch, doodling on an old newspaper.  
"It was good, I guess. Gonna go change." I said as I passed her into the bunk area. The run from the venue to the bus and my shocked anger had made my breath heavy, and I felt an asthma attack creeping on. I found my puffer, and started inhaling. Slowly, it got easier to breathe. I laid down on my bed, staring up into the ceiling. What the fuck just happened? Did it really? Did my sister, Tegan Rain Quin, just kiss me?  
I used the puffer a little more, and I just laid there, completely in shock. I couldn't believe it.  
A low thud of the bus door, and some polite mumbling from the other room. I quickly got out of my jeans and under the covers. The engines started, and Tegan walked into the bunk area. Tegan was on the bus. I was now stuck with Tegan, my sister whom had just kissed me, and my girlfriend on a bus for several hours. I closed my bunk and turned away from her. I couldn't stand looking at her.  
"Please. Sara. Let me explain. Please, don't do this." Her low voice was more hoarse than usual from all the crying. I didn't answer her. And then I heard Emy walking into the room, too. I heard Tegan make a swift move, probably turning her face away to hide the tears.  
"Yeah.. Isn't this going to be cozy? Like a high school slumber party." She giggled, and Tegan made a noise that I think was supposed to be some kind of laugh. I heard her say goodnight, and how she closed her bunk. Emy opened mine, ours, and got in. She didn't say anything, she probably thought that I was asleep, and snuggled down in the small space beside me.  
"I love you." She whispered into my ear, so low it was almost just a breath, and wrapped an arm around me.  
But I couldn't stop thinking about the other arm wrapped around me just half an hour ago. The thought of what had happened kept me up all night long.


	6. Love They Say

**6. Tegan: Love They Say**

It was the most amazing thing I had ever done. When our lips met, the whole world went away, the only thing remaining was us. I had never felt that connection before, never such emotion and passion with someone. I thought that it would seem weird, in some way. But it was like with all of the other women I'd kissed, but way better. When I laid awake in my bunk later that night, thinking about what had happened, I went over the same thoughts once again. Was it a twin thing? Was I in love? But not with the same feeling as before. I knew now, I knew it so clearly. I was in love with Sara. Incredibly, over the top-, howling to the moon-in love. And I didn't even feel ashamed anymore. Of course, I felt ashamed because she had taken it so bad, but I didn't feel ashamed inside, I wasn't ashamed of loving her. I didn't push those thoughts away anymore, I embraced them, like lovestruck fools always does. And the twin thing.. Yes, that might be the case. Our connection might be even stronger since it already was so out of the ordinary. But it wasn't a non-romantic twin thing, that's for sure.  
Her lips had been so soft and warm, they fit perfectly with my lips, at least for the first second of the kiss. Then they had gotten stiff and rejecting. Of course, I was so heartbroken over how she had taken it, but the bare thought of that memory, that kiss, was amazing enough to cloud the memory of how judgmental and furious her eyes had been when she had pushed me away from her. I could go through anything after having to experienced that. I felt like nothing could bring me down, the world was my fucking oyster.

But oh, how wrong I was.  
"Goodmorning! Toast?" Emy was sitting in our kitchen area, at our kitchen table, next to something that looked like a living newspaper. Sara had probably hid herself behind it when she heard me getting out of bed. A big pile of toast was laying on a plate in front of them.  
"Uhm, yeah, you've got some or what?" I chuckled, taking one of the bread slices and sat down. I needed to stay normal in front of Emy, forcing myself to joke. _Do not look at her. Don't. Just smile.  
_"Nah, not one slice." Emy laughed, taking one herself. "It's for the band. They kind of eat a lot."  
"Oh, so we're about to stop?" I asked, needing to stretch my legs for a while, especially after the night I had, tossing and turning in that small space. Sara turned a page with a low rustling sound. I was so painfully aware of her presence, that her legs weren't that far away from mine. Her skin. I was about to burst out in flames.  
"Mhm. We're in California, soon. Great roadtrip schedule, by the way. Not illogical at all." Emy smirked and I just kept eating my toast, giving her a playful stink eye. I loved Emy, eventhough they were a couple, eventhough I should hate her guts. But I just couldn't help myself.  
All of the sudden Sara closed the newspaper and folded it, showing her face and making my heart flutter. She avoided looking at me, stood up and took the half-step she needed to get over to the counter, whereupon the coffee machine was placed. I was now naseous from anxiety, putting down my toast. I was just about to get up and walk into the bunk area, just to avoid the tension, when Emy reached forward over the table, towards me. My heart jumped up in my throat. What if Sara had told her?  
"How are you, by the way? You seemed a little.. distracted last night. Are you okay?" She looked genuinely concerned, like I said: you can't help but love Emy. I was so relieved that Sara hadn't said anything, eventhough I didn't think that she would. How do you explain that kind of thing to your girlfriend? _Oh, I cheated on you last night. And oh, it was with my sister. Could you pass the salt, please._  
Sara coughed and put on the coffee machine, which filled the small room with a series of loud, grinding noises. I waited until it was done and quiet, ruining Sara's obvious plan of keeping me from answering Emy's question. I guess I wasn't the only one getting paranoid here.  
"I'm fine. I wasn't feeling too good last night, that's all. I felt a bit feverish, but I'm fine today!" I gave Emy a smile and shrugged. Sara snorted and sat down beside her with her new cup of coffee. Emy gave her a confused look, and then they were kissing. Not much, but just enough for me. Just too much. I flinched and saw Sara smiling in the middle of the kiss.

The bus stopped, and I immediately shot up from my seat. On my way out, I pulled out my pack of cigarettes, and lit it before I even was out the door. I started walking so fast it was borderline running, passed by the other bus, seeing the band getting out. I pulled up the hood on my black hoodie, praying that they wouldn't see me.  
"Tegan!" Ted yelled after me. "Where are you going?"  
"Hotel. See you later."  
"We need you at the venue at 8! See you there!"  
No way in hell I was going to stay on that fucking bus, not with them. They say love removes the hurt in you, heals all wounds. Yeah, right.

After the show, I had a little party with myself in my hotel room. A pity party, you might call it. Basically drinking and crying, occassional dancing, all very complicated. We were staying the night in L.A. since we had another show there the next day. I couldn't complain, really, no bunk and no Semy.  
I was so furious with her. She knew that that kiss would hurt me so bad. Was she playing a fucking game with me, or was she just doing the same as me, trying to act normal in front of Emy? Either way, it stung, and I couldn't help myself being mad at her for that. I took another sip from my bottle of vodka/dr pepper (not a mix I can recommend, but you have to take what you've got, right?), grinned bad and put on some music.  
I was dancing around in only a button-up shirt and underwear when I heard someone knock and saying "Tegan?".


	7. Drove Me Wild

**7. Tegan: Drove Me Wild**

I almost fell over right in a dance move, my balance just wasn't at its peak after a few drinks. I lowered the music, put on a pair of sweatpants and turned around to look at myself in the mirror. My eyes were red and puffy, my hair was pointing in every direction and I had big spots of dr pepper on my white shirt. In short: I couldn't have looked worse. I made a quick run into the bathroom, splashed some cold water on my face, then turned to open the door.  
"Hi. Can I come in?"  
"Hi. Sure, Ted, mí casa es tú casa. Or something in that area." I grinned and made way for him into my hotel room. I closed the door, and sat down on the bed. He sat down, too, and looked at me closely. I could feel his eyes on my own, swollen pair. I tried to look as casually happy as possible, but my appearance clearly overshadowed all of that.  
"Tegan. I know this might be a bit weird, but I can't let this go on any further. I can see that something is going on with you, and I want you to tell me about it. Maybe not everything, if you're not up to that, but at least something. You need to talk about it, and I'm here to listen. No fuzz, no buzz." He made himself comfortable, waiting for me to spill it. I chuckled a bit, trying to smooth over the whole thing. I couldn't talk about this with anyone, there was no chance in hell. If Sara had reacted that way, I could only imagine how Ted, an outsider, would.  
"Seriously, though. Nothing's up. Everything's fine. Okay? No need to worry."  
I noticed how much I slurred, and I could barely keep my eyes on Ted's face. He didn't say anything. He just sat there, watching me with that patient look. And as I looked back at him, my drunken mind was overflown with love towards him. I had known him for so long, and he'd always been such a rock. Like a brother, kind of.  
And then, of course, came the tears. I didn't want to cry, not in front of him. I wanted to stay strong, to convince him that everything was good. But I couldn't hold it in anymore. I cried like a little child, crawling up into a ball, hiding my face between my knees.  
I had never experienced such sadness. It was probably ten times worst than if I had been sober, but still. It ached inside of me. Sara hated me, she couldn't even look at me. And I loved her. I was so fucking in love with her, my heart was about to burst. And even if she had taken it better, if she would've wanted me back, there was no way for us to be together. We are sisters, for fuck sake. It's not like we can come out in public with our relationship. It's fucking illegal. As my sobbing grew and I started rocking back and forth, I felt Ted's arms around me. He cradled me as the child I was acting like. Since I hadn't experienced physical intimacy in so long, I started crying even harder. I sobbed loudly, and he hushed me repeatingly and soothingly.  
After a while, I calmed down, my sobbing turned into quiet tears. But Ted didn't let me go, and I knew that he wouldn't for quite some time. It was so secure in his warm embrace, I smiled weakly. Neither of us said anything, apart from Ted's continuously hushing. I was so tired after that emotional wave that I fell asleep in his arms.

I woke up with a start when I heard the door close after Ted. I sat up, turned my bedside lamp on, and rubbed my eyes. I smiled for myself, I was just so thankful for what Ted had done for me. I really needed that, just love and no tough questions nor pressure. He had even tucked me in before he left.  
My hand reached for my phone, looking for a message, hoping for a message. Or at least hoping for some kind of sign. No messages. But.. 05.08? When Ted had come over, it was around 1. Did he stay for four hours after I had fell asleep? I got up, noticing how drunk I still was when standing up, and stretched out my whole body. I walked toward the door, listening carefully after any sound. I opened the door slowly, peeking out into the corridor. And as I had figured, the sound wasn't Ted leaving. Someone was standing just outside my hotel room.  
Her eyes were icy and focused, seeking eye contact. She didn't scare me, maybe because I know that she was there, like I felt it. But I didn't know what to say, I wasn't thinking that my wishes really would come through. I just opened the door a bit more, showing my whole body, and stood there looking at her. After a minute or so, she walked past me, a little unsteady. Why was she always drunk when she showed up like this?  
I turned around and leaned against the now closed door. My heart skipped a beat as I saw her standing there in the middle of the room, in the faint light, just staring at me. She was wearing that white, baggy t-shirt with a v-neck that I liked so much because it showed her collarbones and so much of her neck, and her usual brown leather jacket. The polka dot leggings made my head spin. I had to say something, or else I would do something really stupid.  
"What are you doing here?" I started fiddling with the sleeves of my shirt, avoiding looking at her. Sara shouldn't be allowed to wear tight fitting pants, it's just not fair. I could feel her gaze on me, but she didn't answer.  
She took the few steps between us in a swift motion, drunken confidence radiating around her. I still hadn't looked up at her, I just kept staring down, at her lime coloured shoes.  
"What do you think and feel about me?" Her drunken lisp was there in her hoarse voice, something I always had thought was so cute. My head jerked up when I heard the question, and I saw her face, inches away from mine. I gasped when I felt her warmth so close to my skin, her eyes looking at me like that. I took a step backwards, towards the door, since I didn't know how long I could hold myself in check.  
"W-what?"  
"You heard me. What do you think and feel about me?" She took a step towards me, getting even closer than before. A thousand thoughts flew through my mind. Was she playing a game? Or did she want me to answer thruthfully? I figured that she was probably too drunk to remember tomorrow no matter what I said, and I had nothing to lose anyway. I cleared my throat.  
"My love for you, Sara, has so many levels. I love you in every way you could think of. When I picture you, and your smile, it drives me wild. And.. If I'm going to be perfectly honest, I have a hard time concentrating while you're around. I look at you, trace the edges of you in my mind, I imagine how it feels to kiss your neck. How it feels to grasp your inner tigh, how your skin would feel like against mine." I chuckled lightly and took another step back, away from her. Now I was practically pressed up against the door. "But I know how you feel, and I understand it. I know this is fu-"

I saw the fire in her eyes as she closed the space between us. She pushed me back against the wall, and I thought she had reacted the same way as the last time, but then she took my head in her hands and pushed her lips against mine. Her lips were eager, determined. I didn't hesitate or object, my lips were just as eager as hers. My hands slipped around her back, resting in the curve of the small of her back, trying to pull her closer towards me. She kissed me with such a passion that I couldn't help but moan a little bit, and I could feel her smile against my lips.  
Her lips moved from my mouth, down to my neck, and her hands moved down to my hips, making small cirkles under my shirt, just where my pants start. She started kissing me slowly, painfully slowly. I pulled of her leather jacket and threw it across the room, needing to feel more of her skin against mine. Her tongue slowly teased the sensitive spot behind my left ear, I dug my nails into her back, and she gasped a bit. When she reached my collarbones, and started nibbling along them, I couldn't stand it anymore. I freed myself, and pushed her onto the big bed. She looked a bit shocked, but then chuckled and tilted her head slowly, biting her bottom lip at me. I tried to act cool, but I just couldn't keep it together. She knew exactly what she was doing to me.  
I got on top of her, straddling her, and started kissing her neck, exploring every inch of her. When I was slowly making my way down her neckline, I pulled of her shirt. I had never been so turned on in my whole life. Her full breasts, her flat stomach, the tattoos, the everything. She was perfect. When I was watching her in awe, she took the opportunity to flip me over, straddling me instead. She lifted my shirt and started kissing my stomach, obviously thinking that this took a bit too long. As she reached my underwear line, she started to unbutton my shirt. I wasn't wearing anything underneath, so I laid there, half naked. Sara looked up at me, grinning. She reached out a hand and traced the lines of my upper body with her fingertips. I moaned when she started tracing my breasts, and then she reached down and starting kissing them.  
I just couldn't handle it anymore. I brought up my leg so that my thigh was pressed against her, and she moaned loudly. I could see how her eyes rolled back into her head, and I pressed a little harder. She pressed her tighs together to keep my leg still, and got her face up to mine.  
"Eager, much?" She half-smiled.  
I didn't get to answer before her hand had shot down into my pants, inside my underwear, and started doing circles. I grabbed her neck and kissed her, moaning louder and louder. She went faster, then slower, than faster again, driving me wild. I tried to move my leg or my arm to return the favor, but she held me down. Her fingers went faster, and I was close to coming when she stopped. She pulled out her hand, got off of me, and pulled down my pants, my underwear following after. Her eyes on me were black of lust.  
She laid on top of me again, continuing the circles. But now she let me touch her. My hand pulled down her leggings as well, tracing the wetness of her underwear. I figured she could handle two fingers at once. She almost screamed when she felt me inside her, following my lead, starting fucking me in a fast rhythm.  
"Oh my- Tegan, oh, fuck"  
I grinned, bit her neck and fucked her even harder. We both sped up the pace a bit, and then it all exploded. Her first, then me. It was the most intense thing I had ever experienced, it felt like it went on forever.  
She rolled off of me, and laughed. I laughed, too, I just couldn't resist. I was too fucking happy. I looked over at her. She laid there, in her underwear, with her bangs wet with sweat. Her eyes were closed, and she had a huge, satisfied smile on her face.


	8. How Come You Don't Want Me

**8. Tegan: How Come You Don't Want Me**

The early, yellow morning sunlight in my face woke me up, I groaned annoyed. But when the memories from last night popped up in my head, I couldn't help myself but smile wider than I had in months. I rolled over, and reached out my arm to pull her closer to me, but my hand only grasped the cold, empty sheets. I opened my eyes, searching the room for her, hoping that she'd be in the bathroom or something. But the hotel room was empty, apart from my naked self. Her shoes and clothes were gone, there was no sign of her being here last night. I grabbed the pillow beside me, sniffed it, and my smile came back to my lips. It smelt like her (and alcohol, but I was in denial about that), and there was no way that it all was a dream. It really happened. I went back to sleep with my face pressed against the pillow, silly enough pretending it was her.

At one-thirty I stumbled into the new venue's backstage lounge, fairly hungover and a bit nervous but still in a great mood. Little flying heart was practically bouncing above my head, like in the cartoons. I was greeted, a little absentmindedly, by Ted and Emy. They were crouched over a pile of paper work, discussing something with lowered voices. Eventough I started sweating of angst when I looked at her, I was glad Emy seemed busy, and that she and Sara weren't at the same place. I really needed to talk to Sara, alone, without any unneccesary suspicion from anyone. I tried to look as normal as possible when I said my hi back, avoiding eyecontact with Emy. She was a friend of mine, and I was so ashamed that I had done this to her, gone behind her back with the person she loved.  
I went into the concert hall, where I figured Sara was. It was a huge, round hall with lovely wood panels. I looked around in amazement, it was probably one of the nicest places we had ever played in, walking towards the stage, and then I saw her. She was sitting on the edge of the stage, her feet dangling over the edge, playing with her guitar. I heard small bits and pieces of songs she'd written, material I'd never heard before, and, to my surprise, a little bit from When I Get Up.  
She didn't hear me as I quietly moved across the stage. I stopped walking a few feet away from her, watching her. I could now see her eyes, focused on her guitar. I loved watching her as she was inside her own world, her own little bubble. The speech and all of the clever things I had thought to say to her flew right out the window when she suddenly looked up at me. She often had that effect on me.  
"Are you just going to stand there creeping?" Her voice was ice cold. She started playing again, still the same jumble of songs, making no sense. My good and loveydovey mood ran off me. I walked over and sat down next to her, kept my distance as always. I bit on my labret. Another one of my lovely nervous tics.  
"You weren't there when I woke up." I said after a moment of silence. I just couldn't stand the tension. This wasn't exactly what I'd imagined after last night.  
"Nope. I went over to our room." _Our_. Ouch.  
"Okay. Did Emy notice anything?" I lowered my voice, partly because I didn't want anyone to hear, eventhough we were alone, and partly because I was hurt.  
"No." Sara's voice was still cold, and it was clear that she didn't want to talk to me. The knot in my stomach came back, worse than ever. I couldn't handle this game of hot and cold that she kept playing.  
"Good." I hesitated, but I couldn't hold it in. "I had a great time last night."  
My voice was now a whisper. She stopped playing, and looked over at me. Her eyes were softer, but she still didn't have any of the spark or loving look she had last night. A frame from last night popped up into my head, her eyes, fiery. Warm. She'd looked at me as if I was the greatest thing she'd ever seen. And now they were just.. full of pity.  
"It was weird, Tegan. And it was wrong of us. Of me, especially. I shouldn't have come over. I'm sorry." She turned away from me. Her playing got lower, just a few strokes on the guitar, not really a melody.  
"You didn't seem to mind it last night." I was fighting the tears with all of the strength I had, going into defensive play instead. It was just easier.  
"Well, I did. I'm sorry if you read something else into it. But I did mind." I felt like I had been stabbed, right in the chest. She paused, put away the guitar and turned her whole body towards me. She sighed and tilted her head a bit, as if she was talking to a 3-year-old.  
"I regret the whole thing, Tegan. I do. I have no idea what I was doing. But I do know that it was completely wrong, and that it will never happen again. And I'm sorry if that hurts you. The whole thing was a drunken, gross mistake. Purely physical incest. And I'd like for us to forget the whole thing, and never speak about it again. It's just too.. twisted. Okay?" She was speaking very clearly, looking deep into my eyes.  
The words hurt, yes. But the thing that hurt the most was the severe seriousness in her eyes. She meant it. And she thought that I was gross and twisted. She really did. I had never felt so diminished and put down in my whole life. I gave her a quick nod, and got on my feet. I walked fast over the stage, hoping with all of my heart that I would hear her voice saying my name, but nothing. She didn't say anything. It was over.

I ran. I ran past the band and Emy, past the people who were working at the venue, past the whole thing. Out into the cold December day, into the crisp air. I ran as fast as I could, I didn't even know where I was going. I just.. ran. Away from all of them, away from everyone.  
After a few blocks I had to stop, my lungs felt like huge claws tearing my insides. I went into an empty alley, hiding myself from the curious faces on the street. I leaned against the brick wall, but my knees wouldn't hold my weight up anymore. My whole body was protesting. I let myself slide down the wall, scratching my back as my clothes got stuck in the rough surface behind me, curling up into a ball on the ground. I sat there sobbing for quite some time, the hurt kept washing over me, like constant waves. How come she didn't want me, as she had wanted me last night? The alcohol might've been the only reason those things had happened, but that passion I'd felt.. That wasn't something that could be faked, or something that came out of alcohol. That was real.  
I punched the wall, causing my fist to start bleeding. But I didn't feel it, it didn't compare to the huge hole in my chest and the knot in my stomach. The anger hit, and I got my phone out of my jean jacket.  
"_How come you always lead me on, but then you do this? I'm sick of your fucking games, you heartless piece of shit."_  
But I couldn't press send. As always, I couldn't do something that might hurt her. I growled quietly, and erased the text.  
And then I knew exactly what I was supposed to do. I started dialing, I knew her number by heart. I didn't hesitate this time, I just pressed the green button. Wrrrr-. Wrrr-. Wrrr-. Please pick up.  
"Hello?"  
"Lindsey?"


	9. Goodbye, Goodbye

**9. Sara: Goodbye, Goodbye**

My fingers kept on playing, but my mind wasn't into it at all, I didn't even hear it. She'd just stormed out, leaving me alone again. I didn't regret what I said, eventhough I wished I could've said less, said something less hurting. But I knew that she wouldn't listen to me if I wasn't harsh. But I did mean it, even if I was cruel. It was twisted, weird, and completely wrong. And she knew that, too. Tegan had this crazy vision of us being together, I knew that, but there was just no way. First of all, I wasn't on the same page as her, I wasn't in love with my sister. And I don't wish that I was. Second, even if I was, how could we be together? It's just.. No. No way.  
What had happened last night was purely physical, just purely drunken weirdness on my part. A huge fucking mistake, in other words. I felt a hand on my shoulder, and I flinched. Emy stood behind me, smiling.  
"Hi there, stranger. What are you playing there?"  
She sat down, close to me. I was so scared that she'd smell Tegan on my skin. That she'd know. She looked at me with those eyes, those big in-love eyes. My eyes tried to mimic the emotion, but I didn't really master it. I had been better at it, I'd learn how to over the past months, but I got kind of thrown off by her sudden appearance. She didn't seem to suspect anything, and my nervous muscles relaxed. Sweet, loving Emy. She didn't deserve this, not at all.  
"Hi. Uhm, huh?"  
I had no idea what I was playing, I hadn't been paying any attention. She hummed the melody. _Oh._  
"Yeah, that's just an old song Tegan wrote. We're thinking about starting playing it." I lied and shrugged. "What are you guys up to?"  
"I think you should, I like it." She leaned her head against my shoulder as I put away my guitar, I wrapped my arm around her. "Ted and I have been fixing some stuff, boring as hell. I'm thinking about going back to the hotel and take a nap. You in?"  
She looked up at me, gave me a meaningful look and I chuckled.

Her legs were tangled in between mine, her lips pressed against mine. She breathed heavily, her hands fumbling with my bra. I moved my lips towards her stomach before she'd unhooked it, didn't want to get more undressed than I already was. She sighed happily as I gently kissed her hipbone, and she lightly pressed my head down. I closed my eyes for a while, composing my face, looking up at her, with a faked grin.  
"Eager, much?"  
My stomached twitched. I didn't even think about what I'd said. But as I said the words a flashback from last night filled my head, Tegan's eager eyes on my face, her moaning, her hand grasping the sheet as I touched her. _Eager, much?_  
I shook my head lightly to get rid of the scene. I shot Emy another smile, more like a grimace, as she moaned affirmatively. Her eyes were luckily enough closed so she didn't see me nor my weird smile. My lips started kissing her inner tigh, making her shiver.  
But then I stopped. I just do it. The guilt was too much for me. I felt the tears burning against my closed eyelids. I blinked, and got up to her, our faces close to each other.  
"I'm sorry, babe", the word almost got stuck in my throat, "But I think I need to get some food or something. I don't feel too good, I'm sorry. You stay right here, okay? I'll be back."  
I gave her a quick peck, and got up. I threw on my t-shirt and jacket, and darted towards the door. I turned around when I closed it, seeing her surprised face in bed, giving her a little wink. When I walked down the hotel corridor, the tears started rolling. I walked in a fast pace into the elevator, out the elevator, out the hotel lobby, down the street.

Twenty minutes later, I found myself at a small café a few blocks away from the hotel. All of the tables around me were full, and I sat in a quiet corner in the back, so I wasn't too noticable. I had a cup of untouched, black coffee in front of me. I wasn't really in the mood for it, but I felt like I had to order something. I just sat there, slowly stirring it with a long spoon.  
I couldn't go through with it. I couldn't have sex with Emy. It all just came to a stop, and I couldn't go past it. I felt like my skin was stained with Tegan, and I felt like Emy would feel it if I let her touch me. But that wasn't what had happened, she hadn't touched me. I was about to touch her, and I panicked.  
_You are, though. _I wanted to hit myself. And her. She had manipulated me into this. She displayed her fucking feelings, and she had infected me with them. It wasn't real. It wasn't for real. It wasn't my feelings. _It is._  
I got up, left the cup behind, and marched out of the café. I hadn't been there for more than five minutes, but I just couldn't sit still. I was tired, but I needed to walk. To do something.  
My feet had been wandering the streets of L.A. aimlessly for about fourty minutes when I realized: I was going to break up with her. I couldn't do this to Emy anymore. I wasn't in love with her, and I probably never would be. I was going to let her go. She had deserved that. She most certainly didn't deserve this. Me. I needed to let her go, and to pull myself together. I couldn't use her like this, just because I was lonely.  
I pulled out my phone, and looked at the glowing digits. 4:32. I had to walk back to the venue, back to Emy, and do this before the show. I just knew that it had to be done as soon as possible. I turned around, and headed towards the venue. It was quite the walk, so I sped up a bit. I walked pass all kinds of people, watching them as I went. I tried no to think at all, but Tegan kept creeping into my mind. I wasn't in love with her. I wasn't. I was just.. physically attracted to her. And I wanted to cuddle with her, and kiss her and hold her all the time. Basically. _Fuck. I cannot believe this is happening._  
When I turned around a corner I saw her. I turned around and hid behind an old man looking into a shop window, pretending that I was doing the same as him. She was walking on the sidewalk across the street. Her hair was a huge mess, and she looked so worn out. But the thing that caught my attention: she wasn't alone. But who was that? The other person had her face turned away from me, laughing with Tegan, whom chuckled back. The person had brown hair and a white tanktop on. I moved a little to see who it was, but I didn't have to. She threw her hand back into a laugh and I saw. Lindsey. Lindsey and Tegan were going, together, on the street. I had completely forgotten that she lived here in L.A. As I stood there, like I was struck by lightning, Lindsey and Tegan disappeared into an apartment building. But not before I saw Lindsey giving Tegan's lower back a few flirty strokes.  
I turned around and started running. I felt my asthmatic lungs tear, but I didn't care. I felt the tears fall down my face, it seemed like they never would stop coming. I felt like I could cry forever. I was too late, I was such a fucking jackass. If I wasn't so proud and stuck-up, I could've confessed my feelings towards Tegan, and I could've been the one who get's to go home with her. _Such a fucking jackass. _And now I was going to go home to break up with the one person who actually wants me, who wants to be with me. In a real, legal, unweird relationship. Whom I'm not related to. Great.

"Are you seriously doing this again? Really?"  
I couldn't blame her for yelling at me. I deserved it, and I took it. I was sitting on our hotel bed, and she was walking around in circles. We had been at this for a while now, and I was just so tired. I had told her that I wasn't in love, and that I couldn't do this anymore. That she deserved better. And that I was sorry.  
"And you came back to me. That's the worst fucking part, you know? You came crawling back after hurting me, saying that you wanted to give this another go. But nothing changed, did it?"  
She looked right at me, not mad nor sad. She was just.. disappointed. I looked back at her, tears welling down my face, but not because of this. Not because we were breaking up. No, my mind was somewhere else. I shook my head and looked down at my feet. Just go. Go away. But of course, she did the opposite. She kneeled down in front of me, and forced my chin up with her hand.  
"You could've warned me, you know. That there was nothing I could do to change you. Then I wouldn't have gotten my hopes up, my heart crushed again. And again."  
Her eyes watered, but no tears were rolling down. She dried one of mine with the back of her hand, smiled a sad half-smile and got up. She took her suitcase, as she'd packed during the fight, and her jacket. When she got to the door she turned around and looked at me.  
"Bye, Sar."  
"Bye, Em."  
And then she was gone. She was going to go live with a friend, and then she was going to fly back to Montreal in the morning. It was over. Everything was over.


End file.
